I love what I do, it gives me a reason to wake up every morning, but getting up every morning is the hard part.
I didn’t want to share this with anyone, but I’ve been struggling lately. I won’t go into detail, because I’m not looking for sympathy – I just want to write stuff down in hopes that it will make me feel better. Usually writing helps let go of the things that weigh me down.
The anxiety has been going through the roof for the last couple of weeks, and I’ve barely been in any stressful situations. I’ve been using unhealthy coping mechanism to make myself believe I’m doing better, but nothing has really changed. I’m still stuck in my own head trying to make sense of everything.
And I know what people are going to say, “pray about it” or “read your Bible” or “Trust God” or “it gets better”. And I appreciate that, because I know that comes from a good place, but I am doing all of that. It’s just that…
Maybe I should feel this way for a while, I don’t know. This has nothing to do with my lack of faith, but more to do with my circumstances. I feel unworthy, I feel confused and I don’t know where my life is heading.
I know I shouldn’t compare myself or my life to others, but sometimes its impossible not to. And let me tell you why. I’ve been working non-stop for the last year, but when I look back it feels like I’ve made no progress. Then I look at someone else who was in the same position as me, and I see the huge strides they’ve made.
At this point it just feels like I’m rambling and this column makes no sense. Like I said at the start I just have to write and hope that it makes me feel better. I have so much going on in my mind, that I can’t form a single coherent thought. When the anxiety strikes, it’s like a storm inside my head.
Maybe I should talk about what I think is giving me anxiety – I know there are some stuff attributing to it. First thing, it’s definitely my circumstances, because I don’t know how to change it. I know what I need and what I want, but I can’t reach it.
Secondly, the work. I’ve taken on a lot since the year started and it’s great that I’ve kept myself busy. And yet at the same time I’m wondering who I’m doing this for. Around 90% of what I do, I do without any kind compensation. So if there’s nothing to gain from it, is it still worth it? Am I just wasting my life away by convincing myself that someday it will all make a difference? Or at the very least make sense?
Thirdly, I sometimes wonder if I still have friends? I know that for years I lived a secluded life, I hardly interacted with anyone. Maybe the isolation worsened the social anxiety, or maybe I just don’t have those friends I can rely on anymore. And I appreciate those people who check up on me from time to time, but am I still good enough to be your friend?
I don’t want to go deeper into this. It feels like this is a page out of my personal journal and now I’m sharing it with the world to see. It’s a loaded piece, and I hope that it didn’t scare anyone off. Everything I said is my load to bear. It might be heavy, but there’s a part of me that thinks I can make it.
I just need a miracle at this point. And I appreciate your sympathy, but I don’t need it. I just need empathy, kindness and a $1 000 000 to make things better. In all seriousness, writing this made me feel better. I still feel the anxiety creeping up, but this time I’m going to…
